On Saturday I went to see Batman at Baxter. I ran into someone from high school and then someone from college! It was a nice little reunion.

Anyway, I started a diet and exercise plan yesterday. I'm not going to fail this time. This is going to be a lifechange.

In addition to starting the exercise/diet plan, I am trying to get myself into a more set schedule. Like, normally I would sleep in later in the day if I was off work or didn't go in until later. But I think it would be better to get my body on more of a set time clock. And I think eating at the same times every day will help train my body into knowing when it should be hungry.

I also got my hair cut very short today and I LOVE it.

Also, on a different note, I'm trying to think of ways to raise money for Tromadance. Other cities have held Tromapalooza music events, but I am not sure how to go about that. Anyone with any ideas, let me know!

(Best Christmas present ever, brother in law!)

I've refrained from posting in this blog about this topic because I didn't want to create uneccessary drama, but I'm not naming names, so I think it should be okay. I'm just tired of keeping up the happy face while squashing my emotions.

We've been broken up for almost 4 months now, and I'm working on moving on. It just came as a huge shock to me when I found out he had a new girlfriend, so relatively soon after we broke up (I found out he was dating someone about 2 months after we split up, after a 2+ year relationship). And given what I know about the past of this person, I am sure they were dating for longer than they had made public. Part of what bothered me so much was that it made me feel like I was nothing to him, that he would commit himself to someone else so fast. I'm not saying that's what he intended or how he really felt, it's just how it made ME feel. And I'm just trying to deal with that.

Do I know that we're too different and that this is better for both of us in the long run? Of course I do. I'm tired of people saying things to me like "fuck him" or "fuck her" or things of that nature. Sometimes I'm not looking to my friends to actually say anything. I'm just looking for someone to just be there and listen while I talk and/or cry. Just ignoring the feelings without working through them isn't going to help me at all.

I've been out on a few dates, not many. Mostly still working a lot. But I actually shot my short movie (and did the grown up thing and gave him credit for helping to come up with the idea). I submitted it to the Tromadance film festival and I am pretty sure it's going to get in. And I've discovered that my brother is amazingly creative and has all kinds of great ideas for movies. I'm about to take two weeks off work to go to Utah. I'm going to hang out with some friends and then do the whole Tromadance thing. I'm working on moving on with my life, I just have to work through these feelings too.

I am so nervous, I feel like I am going to puke.

I really, really hate it when people come in and ask me, "What size shoe does a (insert age here) wear?"

It makes me want to reply, "Well, what size do most 21 year old women wear? Right, they all have different sized feet."

Instead, I usually cock my head to the side, and tell them that it really just depends on the size of the child. That my nephew was seven when I started working at Payless and he wore a size 13 or 13.5, but his little brother is 4 and is in 11 and 11.5 and will probably be in bigger sizes than his brother was at seven. And to please either bring the child in and we can measure their foot, or they can even trace an outline of the foot to bring in and we can measure that.

I really do like parts of my job. I wouldn't have stayed with it so long if I didn't. It's just the dumb things that people ask me that aggravate me so much!

I was quite puzzled when the doorbell rang, as I did not order a pizza and was not expecting any packages.

I opened the door, and there was a flower delivery person, with a HUGE thing of pointsettias for me. I was puzzled even more, because of all the people in my life, I cannot imagine any of them that would send me flowers.

So I looked at the card.

It was from a church. A church that is having some sort of religious conference on Sunday. A church that sent out a card with a typo on it, listing my home phone number as one of the ways to contact them to register.

I thought that was very sweet, and I will be taking them to work to try and brighten up our back room.

But I can't sleep.

I've got all kinds of jumbled thoughts running through my head. I thought maybe, if I typed them out, they would go away and let me at least take a nap.

I'm planning on shooting a short movie in just over two weeks and I still don't even have the lead actress cast or most of my crew or anything. I'm still debating on my shooting location too. It will get done, and it will be awesome and I will submit it to Tromadance, and it will get in and people will love it.

I've been listening to a lot of Chicago in my car lately (because my Poultrygeist soundtrack is in my store). While driving home from outlet mall shopping and singing along, one little line in one little song really stood out to me:

"After all that's been said and done, you're just a part of me I can't let go"

And I realized that is me. Not just in the relationship that I am no longer in. But with everything. Even things I know I should let go of, but still cling to for dear life. I think I need to change this.

I also had a recent disappointment that left me feeling very inadequate and insecure, but that's pretty much the norm for me lately anyway. I hate looking at myself in the mirror, but at the same time I don't do anything to change my weight. I know what I need to do, exercise more and eat less, yet I choose not to. So, some part of me must want to keep the weight on.

Okay, I hope I can sleep now...

"Yes."

They set the shoes on the counter and just kind of stand there.

"Were you going to look for anything else today?"

"No. I just want my money back."

I really have to restrain myself so I don't say "Then you don't want an exchange you moron! You want a refund!"

When you called me up this morning,
Told me bout the new love you found,
I said I'm happy for you,
I'm really happy for you.
Found someone else,
I guess I wont be coming round.
I guess it's over, baby;
It's really over, baby, whoa...
And from what you said
I know you've gotten over me;
It'll never be the way it used to be.
So if its gotta be this way,
Don't worry, baby, I can take the news okay.

But if you see me walking by,
And the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
And I don't know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me;
I don't want you to see me this way.

When we both agreed as lovers,
We were better off as friends,
That's how it had to be,
Yeah, that's how it had to be.
I tell you I'm fine
But sometimes I just pretend;
Wish you were holding me,
Wish you were still holding me, whoa...
I just never thought,
That I would be replaced so soon;
I wasn't prepared to hear those words from you.
I know I wanted to be free;
Yeah, baby, this is how we wanted it to be.

But if you see me walking by,
And the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
And I dont know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me;
I don't want you to see me this way.

Tonight, though, I have been getting angry. I saw three commercials that were anti-Baron Hill. Because he voted against prohibiting the sale of violent and sexually explicit movies and video games to children. I haven't exhaustively researched the issue (especially since Baron Hill and Mike Sodrel are in Indiana, and I am in Kentucky, so I can't vote for them), but one article I found on the subject said that Hill voted "in 1999 against an amendment to a juvenile crime bill that would have prohibited the sale of violent and sexually explicit movies and video games to teenagers." The amendment failed on first amendment grounds.

I'm not a super political person, but this ad has just been pissing me off. Mostly because parents should be policing their own children. When I was younger, we always had the computer in a "public" place of the house. I never had a computer in my bedroom until I was in college. Our game systems were the same way. I did have a tv and vcr that I bought in high school with my own babysitting money, but my parents didn't extend cable to my room until I was in college, and would look at what movies and stuff I would buy.

I know that if a kid wants to play violent video games or watch sexy movies, they are going to find a way to do it without getting caught. I'm not really good at putting my thoughts into words here, so I'll use a quote from "Blame Canada," from the South Park movie:

Shame on Canada
For...
The smut we must stop
The trash we must bash
The Laughter and fun
Must all be undone
We must blame them and make a fuss
Before someone thinks of blaming uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus!!!!

Because, in the South Park movie, the parents were too busy trying to blame other people instead of actually being parents to their children. And that is why the ad makes me so mad. Parents should take some responsibility for their kids and not try to make the government do it.