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September 10, 2006
blah
Normally I try to keep as much real emotion out of my blogs. But for whatever reason, I decided the entire world can see how I am really feeling this time.
Andrew broke up with me last night. He said that our relationship is broken and he doesn't know how to fix it. I'm 27 and have two long-term relationships to show for it. Not that I wanted like a billion ltrs or anything. But I figured by this age I'd be close to getting married... and heaven knows I'm not getting any younger and I actually want kids at some point.
I just feel like I'm a fuckup at life, in general. I was too chickenshit to go away to college, so I got a fairly useless degree here in town. I've been too chickenshit to move away and try to work in a field that actually interests me. Instead, I sell shoes. And I work damn hard at my job. Which may be part of why my relationship with Andrew failed. Oh, who am I kidding. I know it's part of the reason. I'm terrible with my finances and it seems like I have this credit card debt that just won't go away, no matter how hard I try to pay it down. And so I work my ass off, because I actually have a decent work ethic.
Random thought that just entered my head: I guess it was about a month ago, I got mad at Drew because he hadn't come to see my new store yet. I was actually excited to show him the cool new register and stuff. I am such a dork.
I had a train of thought for a minute there, but it's just totally derailed now.
But yes, I feel like a screw up. My sister is celebrating her 12th year of marriage today. She has four great kids that I love a lot (despite the fact that Caleb was wanting to run around naked yesterday). My little brother is getting married in March. Even my older brother is currently married and has two beautiful girls (although notice I used the word "currently"... but this is about me wallowing in my own misery).
I'd like to say I don't know why I can't find someone to settle down with. But I know that a lot of the fault lies with the fact that I do suck at my finances. And at 27, I still live with my parents because of the stupid credit card debt. And I fear change. And blah blah blah.
Maybe it's time for me to get off my ass and get a job I feel passionate about. I mean, I love shoes and all, but customer service is NOT what I want to do forever.
I think I'll stop rambling and try to go back to sleep. I diasbled comments because I don't want anyone leaving pity comments. Yes, this is my woe is me blog, but eventually things will get better. I think.
Posted by shmecky at September 10, 2006 04:44 AM