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June 01, 2006
June 1st
It's June? Already? How is that possible? How is it possible that an entire season has almost completely passed between my dad's death, and now? Wasn't it just February? Has it really been nearly 4 months already? I haven't seen, or talked to my dad in almost 4 months? How is that even possible? It just can't be. I don't know if it will ever be real. And that's not just me - my entire family is still in just as much pain, if not more, as we were in February.
My mom is going to Iowa. It's a good thing, but also a bad thing. She needs to get away for a bit, and especially now - what was to be her and my father's 50th wedding anniversary is June 10th. She's said that she absolutely cannot be here at that time, and I completely understand that. At the same time, it's not going to make the day that much easier, not to mention that my grandma's birthday (My dad's mom) is the 7th, and she'll be there for that, and my brother's birthday is the 9th, and he'll be there, too, but my dad won't be. I won't be, either.
I have a hard time going to the house, and I feel bad about it, for my mom's sake. I don't think it will always be like this, or maybe it will, I don't know. I never thought I could feel that way about that house. I mean, we made it through Steve's death, and stayed. I just don't know. But just knowing that my mom isn't going to be a hop, skip, and a jump, away from me, for a couple of weeks is really stressing me out. That, and the fact that I wish I could go to Iowa, and be with everyone, too. We were going to try and do that, but we decided it was better to save the money for a trip in Oct, to be there for my brother, Mark's wedding.
School gets out two days before my mom comes home, and then three days after that, Victor's girls arrive. The 3rd week of June is going to be insane. Victor's dad is coming, and staying for a couple of weeks, though, and Brian will be out here some, during that time, too, so that will be good - extra hands, extra help, extra support.
Of course that's not all that's providing major stress in my life. There's that other thing, too, the one that I won't talk about here. It's been almost a year, now, and we're still sitting here in limbo. I know that this will be a forever thing, in some ways, but in others, we can find closure - but we can't control the when, or how, of that, at least not very much, and it is just such a burden, and stress, and it's taking such a toll, on everyone. My dad's absence in this just makes it that much worse. I feel like I need him more than ever, right now. We all do.
Where have the last four months gone? When are we going to feel better? Why did my dad have to die? It wasn't his time. It just wasn't.
Posted by Romy at June 1, 2006 02:21 PM
Comments
Yes, it is indeed June. Your post today was so pent-up with emotion it pushed me to read all of your history to try to understand. You have alot of burden at the moment and I think you have touched my own soft bits.
Years ago I visited a very poor part of Mexico City. It was on a Sunday and I went to church and saw a young women who sang with such vigour that I felt inspired. I spoke to her after and then walked along with her (her name was Maria)until we came to her house. It was some wooden packing crates nailed together. I met her husband who was very pleasant, though sadly unemployed and her four children. She worked six days of the week to scratch out enough for food. Sunday was her day-off and she spent it at church. It was the dictionary definition of abject poverty.
Not being a strong church person, I just had to ask, how can you have such faith in God in the face of your situation? Maria told me it was her faith in God that kept her going.
It got me thinking about faith, not in a religious sense, but just in the things we each trust and believe in. I learned then that counting blessings is a very good thing to do when times are hard and we hurt.
Seems to me you have a few blessing to count, like your mom, siblings, Victor, Stephen, Veronica and most of all little Alex. He's special, he makes you special in a way that most mom's will never experience.
Like you, my dad died when it wasn't time. I feel your grief and offer my own sadness.
In the passing of time, it gets easier, the hurt fades, but it also gets harder to remember what he looks like in my minds eye. I am not sure now which is worse, the sadness I felt when he died or the fact now that it doesn't hurt, but I can't picture him easily.
Its sunny today, its Friday and yes,its June already. Summer is arriving, even in Blighty. Some blessings are very small indeed.
Have a good weekend!
Posted by: Perry at June 2, 2006 02:15 AM
lots of uber-hugs, marie. love!
Posted by: Judy ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.uberbrain.com/lizardlounge/nav-commenters.gif)
at June 2, 2006 12:48 PM
Hope you are feeling more cheerful...I'll check your site for regular updates.
Posted by: perry at June 5, 2006 03:00 PM