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July 14, 2004
Kamming.
I just updated a cube that's been in dire need of updating. I also did some maintenance that's been piling up... it felt good to do some work on the site. I'll get the final collage photos from Kevin soon so I can do the final structural update... that'll be rad. I also put a new image on my front page. Very fun.
Not much else to report, other than it's fucking hot in my apartment. Ice is nice!
Posted by kam at 06:44 PM | Comments (0)
July 12, 2004
Today
I'm in an obscenely good mood today. I feel like I'm getting taller. I've been doing some hardcore stretching lately, and today I feel like my torso just kicked into a tall mode or something. Interesting, to say the least.
Plus, I just got the unboxed set Angry Samoans CD and can't stop listening to "Lights out". Am I 16 again? If so, I hope I can do a better job of it this time around!!!
Posted by kam at 05:36 PM | Comments (0)
July 11, 2004
Drawering.
I'm definitely battling for my soul these days. There's some kind of tug of war going on, and I'm sure feeling like a worn rope. I'm supposed to be the strong one, the one that always has the right answers, and the one who puts the smiles on everyone's faces... but there are some days when I want to be left alone, on top of the proverbial mountain, where I no longer carry the resposibility of delivering gladness to all that I care about. So, I'm pondering a few things that have resurfaced from my past hurt locker.
1. That feeling of total sadness upon realizing that love fails when not nurtured properly. The thing that popped into my head regarding this hurt, was that while I was completely torn to shreds and having no real clue of what mattered at all, a certain response that was thrown upon me time and again, was anger at my sadness, and "you'd better snap out of this shit". So now, I don't thnk I processed any of that hurt properly, due to how pissed people got that I wasn't being cheerful. Thinking back to a few of those moments, there were some key "flipped switch" moments going on in that time, one of which was shutting off showing my feelings to anyone. Granted, I've gotten much more open since then, but I still have this nag that if I show unhappiness, then I'm an inconvenience. That's gotta change. Not being able to please everyone is something I have to come to terms with. But anyway, back to the past hurt, I believe that some of this filler that's gotta go, has to do with sadness I never let myself feel back when it was warranted. So, after a delay of game, I'm sad that I was so irresponsible with love many years ago.
2. Peter Pan grew up.
3. IT'S IN YOUR HEAD. IT'S IN YOUR HEAD. IT'S IN YOUR HEAD. FILLER!
4. Actually living with yourself, ALL of yourself, even the dirty, scary bits, is quite an amazing road. How to proceed when hit with hurt, is something I'm still working on. At least I've learned to stay afloat and observant, as opposed to heavy and sinking, which is a much tougher spot.
Posted by kam at 02:48 PM | Comments (0)